Expectations

I am coming back to the blog following a VERY interesting season of expectations.  Allow me to play catch-up:

 - We are now expecting baby #2.  His name is Alexander Daniel, and he will arrive sometime around July 2nd-ish. 

 - Alex was quite planned.  In fact, I knew I was pregnant within a week, because I had SUPER-HUMAN smell-abilities.  Expectations met.

 - Beginning about week 4.5ish, I experienced some light bleeding.  Daily.  For the entire first trimester.  Not expected.

 - Two ultrasounds at the beginning (along with a dream I had) made me fairly sure I was miscarrying.  Not expected.

 - My hormone levels were increasing despite all the signs.  Not expected. (I had adjusted to the probable loss by this point, so I was shocked.)

 - Third ultrasound revealed that all was well with the lil guy, but my placenta had begun growing in the wrong spot (placenta previa), hence the bleeding.  Just a grumpy placenta.  Not a baby issue.  Unless the placenta got REALLY grumpy, then it could affect the baby.  Ordered to take it easy for around 9 weeks.  Stopped going to gym, too, since that seemed to be grumpifying the placenta issues.  Not expected.  *btw, placenta moved!  Praise God!


 - The EMOTIONS.  Oh my word.  Got pregnant.  Super tired.  Thought I was losing the baby for 2.5ish weeks.  Found out I had not lost the baby, and in fact, he was just fine (as big of a shock for me, after having adjusted to the idea of losing him).  Stopped exercising (one of the best ways to handle mood swings for me...).  My life was a roller-coaster of emotions.  Still having bleeding every single day at that point.  Not expected.

 - Last pregnancy, I was the nicest possible version of myself.  It was amazing!  We were really happy when I got pregnant again, because we knew the red-headed side of me was going to tone down a bit.  And it did...  Expected. 

 - ...Then the second trimester began on Christmas Eve.  Bleeding stopped that day.  Hoped for, but not expected.  Woohoo!!!

 - ...Then the hormone swings started.  Our guess is that it was the testosterone.  Not sure, but I was super-difficult to live with for a while.  Not expected.

 - Turns out that we are having a boy!  Yep.  Figured that out from the mood swings.  Expected.

 - With baby #1, I spent all of my nesting energy on my classroom.  None went into my home.  For the last two years, I've struggled to catch up with the feeling that I have a massive To Do List I just can't wade through.  I didn't feel like the house was ready for her when she was born, and I still feel that way sometimes.  Too.  Much.  Stuff.  Not Expected.

 - Now nesting has kicked in.  I want to rearrange the entire house.  Right now!  Unfortunately, I have to take it in baby steps for a myriad of reasons.  Glad nesting phase has finally arrived.  Expectations met.   
( Irritated that I can't do everything at once.  Not expected. )

 - There has been a slew of super-fun-unexpected financial stuff, too, that I won't go into now.  It has felt quite epic.  Not expected.



All of that to say, the vast amounts of "unexpected" have kind of caused a rolling series of emotional crises for me from October through March.  I thrive on information.  

Last pregnancy, I read six (or seven?) books on childbirth and labor.  We also attended a childbirth prep class.  By the time I got there, it was quite unnecessary for me.  I wasn't super-stressed about having E, because I felt informed.  Yes, thousands of factors negotiate the birth process, but knowing what they all were, and that one of them could come into play at any time gave me a deep sense of calm.

This time around, I knew miscarriage was an option, of course.  However, I was not prepared to be fully confident I had lost the baby, and then discover that I hadn't.  I was also not prepared to still live in constant doubt until my 20 week appointment.  It did me in.  I was a mess for a good bit.  Emotions mixed with first trimester hormones resulted in 3 hour naps (matching my toddler's) every day.  Also, partly due to the financial uncertainty, I reacted by binging on fast food.  I was crazy out-of-control for a bit there.

I am finally coming out of my slump.  I do things like cleaning, and cooking, and laundry again.  I find that I can pray again.  For a while, I just couldn't figure out how to talk to God.  I was so worried about so many things, that I couldn't really get anything else out, other than, "um, God, can you please fix _____ soon?" 

I'm not sure exactly what caused the change, but I will say that worry caused a large portion of the problems I had.  As an information person, I got all the information on every possibility, and then, instead of relaxing until I knew the outcome and dealing with it at that point, I worried till I knew the result.  I'm not sure exactly what the difference was between my last VERY informed pregnancy and this one, other than the element of worry.  Any of the things could have gone wrong either time, but this time, they had actually started to, so I began worrying.

During my first two trimesters, the thing that I have missed most is my walk with God.  I have been a mess for so long, that I couldn't see past a lot of my issues to really lean into Him, His promises, His provision, and His protection.  I missed out on a whole lot of peace.  We are just now getting back into sync, and I am re-learning some old truths.

In February, I got the chance to hear an awesome message about this exact topic (and boy was it timely).  I encourage you to look it up.  You can download the MP3 from this site to listen to in the car, or you can watch the video.

http://www.wcrossing.org/default.aspx?page=3699&item=216

Jesus commands us not to worry about the basic necessities of life.  It's because he knows it will totally rip you up inside if you do.  Ulcers anyone?  I had been doing exactly that.  It was awful.  The solution?

Matthew 6
³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 Anyway, I've begun to try to let Jesus do the worrying and providing, and I'll do the living.  It's working a lot better.

Sharing the Gospel Without An Argument?

I was once taught how to share the Gospel without an argument.  

It was a method where people would read the Scriptures as I pointed them out and then answer questions that could only be answered one way 

(thus, no argument).  

At the end, I asked if they believed what they had read.  

If yes, they could choose to be saved.  If not, then they couldn't.  

*I'm not sure I ever actually employed said method.

I actually haven't thought about it in a long time until today.

Today, I enjoyed my third visit with Jehovah's Witnesses.  There is always the same woman and then a different partner with her each time.  

I'm pretty sure I irritate my regular woman.  

Positive, in fact.

I don't mean to, I just kind of can't help it.  

She says, "The Bible says _(some random sentence)__ in verse such and such, so the Bible says ___(insert over-reaching-out-of-context-truth-here)____."  

I can't help it.  I stop her and disagree.  

I know it probably upsets her, and I try really hard to be respectful, but when someone tells me what the Bible says and they quote something out of context, I just have to speak up.

Today, I invited them in, and we sat around my very-messy kitchen table with some traces of leftover Christmas decorations floating around.  (Not very PC with the J.W.'s, but I couldn't help it...they knocked while I was putting them away.)  

**And for the Grinches out there who may be judging me:  We were gone for two weeks during Christmas, so we celebrated an extra two weeks here, and then we've been busy.  

If you still feel the need to judge, here you go:  First year of our marriage, we didn't actually know what to do with our live tree after Christmas, so we kind of left him up until Mother's Day.  Really.  Not making it up.  Feel free to judge me on that one.  His name was Clarence, and he was wonderful.

Anyway, we sat down, and they had me read from a book and then answer very detailed questions about what I had read that could only have one possible answer.  

It was INCREDIBLY IRRITATING.  

They didn't leave room for dissent.  Or thinking.  Or anything.  

Just pre-scripted answers to uber-specific questions written by some Watchtower man in the paragraph I had just read.

Another side note...as a teacher, I often did questions like this.  I see now that this wasn't actually asking the children to think at all.  

It's amazing how my students ever learned anything when I treated them in such a dumbed-down way sometimes.  

(Not always...but sometimes.)  

Higher-level thinking involves critique and questioning and reasoning.  NOT regurgitating.  (Which, is really just throwing up.  Throwing up answers I just fed them.  Ew.  Gross.)

So that's how I felt.  I felt like I was just vomiting out what they had force fed me.  I also felt uncomfortable and went on and shared my opinion anyway, 'cause I couldn't help it.

Anyway, the point of all of this, is that Christianity needs to be examined in light of it's claims.  What is it really?  On this side of today, I feel especially strongly that we do a great disservice to anyone upon whom we try to force the Gospel without an argument.

The Gospel is divisive.  It says that I'm not the center of my world, that I'm not good enough, that there is an absolute standard outside of my feelings and beliefs.  It says that if I choose to become a follower of Christ, then rough stuff is ahead.  The Gospel is the only solution to all of the major problems and questions we face, but accepting it forces us to do a radical about-face from the life we would prefer (usually.  Some people tend to want to do what God wants more than others...it's probably a little easier for them initially, until they learn they are just as depraved as everyone else, then it's hard for them, too). It requires an argument with existing beliefs.

So, I'll keep today in mind the next time I try to tell someone about Christ.  They need the opportunity to clearly think through the pros and cons and count the cost on their own.  They need an argument.

Shifting Perspectives

Four years ago, I got new eyeballs thanks to lasik!

The doctor warned me that with my strong astigmatism, there was only a 95% chance of total correction, and either way, I would one day need glasses again.  I took my chances and went with lasik.  Best decision ever!!!

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I've noticed I have a little bit of night vision trouble, so I went to the eye doctor to get new glasses.  My intention was to use them at night, when I drive, and to make a fashion statement when necessary (glasses are "in" right now, after all).

Anxiously awaiting my new cute accessory, I finally received the call of the week.  My glasses had arrived!  Hurrying to the store, I picked up my new addition (the one that would make several outfits look much better), and I quickly put them on.

Emily and I (and my new glasses)

It was at that moment I discovered I've been experiencing a sort of VHS vision in a Blu-Ray world.  The picture below is the best way I can explain the difference.  The cute li'l fella on the left is perfectly fine---until you see his buddy on the right. 

Speaking of shifting perspectives, every day, I have a pretty good spiritual outlook on life (I think).  At least "left penguin".  Unfortunately, I often rely on my natural perspective in my life and interactions without opening my Bible to see what God's perspective might be or to allow Him to shape my own.  Then, finally, eventually, I'll spend some serious time with God.  The result of such a small effort on my part, is that my vision will shift, for a time, into "right penguin".  My attitude toward spiritual things is heightened.  My interactions with people become more intentional.  Difficult situations seem manageable after spending time with God.  Why on earth would I settle for a VHS approach when God offers a better than Blu-Ray experience?  Besides, without clear focus, am I really making the right decisions, or do they only seem right to me?

As a side note, the first few days (and even a little bit now), I would get headaches as my eyeballs adjusted.  Even though they were seeing things rightly, it had been too long, and they would get overwhelmed.  I found this applied spiritually in a few ways, too.

1.  When Jesus told the disciples he had more to share with them than they could bear at that moment.  It makes a little bit more sense now.

2.  As a grown-up Christian, it's important to be sure that I'm actually acting from a correct perspective.  If I'm not in regular fellowship with God, each time He tries to discipline me or work in me, it'll be like starting from scratch instead of building on what He already began.  Reading the Bible should not be a dramatic vision shift every time.  My vision should already be aligning with God's due to discipline on my end.

3.  Sometimes reading my Bible and being convicted about having a correct view of things might result in a spiritual headache.  The discomfort is not necessarily always a bad thing---especially if the headache is caused by beginning to look at a situation properly.

There you have it.  Glasses.  They're not just an accessory.  Neither is the Bible or prayer.