The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil

(This post is part of item 6 on my 2011-2012 Resolving Life post.)

We're reading a book about training children.  The premise is that we should train E for situations before they actually occur so that we're not disciplining and training at the same time...which is kind of frustrating and generally unfair to her.

The primary objectives in the upcoming months are learning the word "no" (that will be this week-ish, btw), and also learning (once she's mobile) to come when we call her the first time.  

Sigh.

I actually just sighed out loud thinking about the days ahead.  I have enjoyed being the mom of an infant for the last 7 months.  She's kind of like a live baby doll.  She does what I want her to do, she stays where I put her, and she smiles when I ask her to.  

Or, she did.  

That began changing around a few weeks ago.  (insert another sigh here)  She is still quite lovable, but she has her own little mind, and her own little personality doesn't always agree with me.  Shocking. 

Anyway, stay tuned for some delightful updates on the training front.  It promises to be quite exciting.

As I was saying, we're reading this book.  It discusses how children may make wrong decisions, but before they know the decisions are wrong and actively choose to disobey, they aren't held accountable for their sins.  

But, at some point, every person has their moment where they face their tree of good and evil, and (as the author points out), so far everyone except for Jesus has failed in that moment.

I burst into tears when I read that.  

As I sat with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, it made me wonder how God felt on the day He woke up in Heaven on the day Adam and Eve disobeyed.  

(yes...I know His time is different, and He doesn't sleep, etc., etc., etc., but whenever that moment was on the verge of occurring in God-time...)  

I wonder if Jesus prayed for them to make the right decision one last time before they sinned.  He prayed for Peter not to fall away, and that after he did, that Peter would come back.  (Lk. 22:31-32)  I hope Jesus will be praying for Emily in her moment, too.  I think he does.  He died for us for just that reason, and he always lives to intercede for us. (Heb. 7:25)

Anyway...

My baby girl, while born into sin as a human being, still hasn't had her moment to willfully flaunt her sinfulness in the face of God (or us), but the day will come.  When it does, she will fail.  There is nothing I can do to stop her.  I can't reason with her about why it's better to do things God's way, and how He knows best, and why life will just kind of go downhill once she chooses to be disobedient to Him.  I can't tell her that she will spend many hours with an aching emptiness, wondering if anyone (even her parents) love her, and that until she chooses to embrace God's gift of Jesus on the cross, she will never find true joy, or love, or peace, or any of the other fruits that come from a relationship with Him. 

I think even harder than that, though, is that I have to recognize that my baby girl doesn't ultimately belong to me, and I cannot make decisions for her.  I have to trust the One who has rescued me from the pit of despair to do the same for my child.  To make her His child, too.  We have been praying for this since before she was born.  Frankly, since long before I became pregnant.

What can I do, then?  My job is to simply trust God, serve Him, and wholly love Him.  Then, my secondary job is to be the best Mama I can.  I know so many people who've had parents whose lives pushed them further from God.  I've also been privileged to experience the fruit of second and third generations of godly parenting for myself and Matt, and I know that being a godly parent is possible.  I never want anything that I do to be a hindrance to her relationship with our Savior.

So...I will begin training Miss E very, very soon.  But, as I do, I will also be training myself.  I'll be working on my own discipline and example, because that will train her just as much as anything else.

----

Update:  I actually typed this a few weeks ago, but I forgot to post it till now.  We've begun working on "no" already.  She understands it most of the time and cries at me in frustration (a fake, annoyed cry...not a real, sad-baby cry) when I tell her no.  But, she has also begun to stop when I tell her no.  In fact, last week, I was at the other end of the room, and she obeyed me despite the distance.  We still need to work on it, but it's coming along.

The current issue we're having is that she is a screamer.  She SCREAMS when we go into her room, because she knows it'd time for a diaper change or a nap, and she doesn't like either option.  I'm not positive, but I think she's going to be a dramatic one.  :)  Oh!  And she wants to be held all the time, too.  By me. 

Dr Pepper - Part 2

For those who missed yesterday's post, Dr Pepper - Part 1, you may want to read it before this one.

For those who don't want the long version (which I ALWAYS give), skip to the part highlighted near the end.

For those who don't mind the long version:

Have you ever had that one thing that you just pray for deliverance for over and over?  For me, it's been a myriad of issues, mostly having to do with food.

Anyway, now that Dr Pepper isn't an option, life has been better.  I don't have the option to drink it (since I'm still fasting), so my poor over-caffeinated-prayer-life has become much more free to pray for other stuff.  It's kind of neat.  And...I've been able to notice some other problem areas in my life (sigh...stay tuned to the end of this super-long post).

The addiction is gone.  It makes me think of the verse:

Matthew 18:8-10 (NIV)

⁸ If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

Now that the addiction is gone, I feel such freedom.  I cut that part out of my life, and I'm better off without it.  Plus, a lot of the crummy foods I eat only really taste good with high fructose corn syrup, carbonation, and caffeine.  So, I'm eating healthier, too.  Btw, I have substituted sweet tea when I eat pizza or hamburgers or stuff, but I'm DEFINITELY not addicted.  I just get sick of water after a while, and I'm really not a juice person (usually). 

**Disclaimer: Dr Pepper-drinking is not sinful.  My heart attitudes were.  You happy Pepper's out there, you keep on enjoying yourself.  Unless God has convicted you that you have issues, too.  I'm not condemning anyone here.

I did show some moderation during my pregnancy.  This is at Sea World.  I spent lots of time both in this T-Shirt and in bathrooms by this point in the pregnancy.  (3 wks. before she was born.)

Some reflections:

One issue for me was a lack of moderation.  Over-doing it was the primary sin.  Part of the reason why I would over-do it, though, was simply because I knew I shouldn't.  I was rebelling.  (More on that in a moment).  Rebellion and gluttony are both sins.  Oh, and I valued it above everything else.  It had become a stupid, sugary, delicious idol.

Since giving up Dr Pepper and also becoming a stay at home mom, I've removed a major addiction/idol in my life and replaced it with lots of free time.  Free time/space where there was once a stronghold invites a replacement.  Or a deep, internal-house cleaning.  Or both.

Luke 11:24-26 (NIV)

   ²⁴ “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ ²⁵ When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. ²⁶ Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.”

 

Fasting tends to help highlight issues.  This has been a really-long (but tiny) fast.  I'm discovering some serious issues.  I don't think my issues have moved in since Dr P. moved out (like in the verse above), because they've been there all along.  I do think, though, that if I'm not careful, something else could slide into that coveted spot in my heart.

I was always extremely busy before E was born.  I never stayed in one place long enough to reflect on my deeper-heart attitudes about anything.  Now, with more free time, I am finding quite a bit of time alone with myself and my thoughts.  I'm kind of a jerk.  

Here are the main issues I've discovered:

1.  I am rebellious.  If I argue with Matt (not that my feisty self would ever do that, but hypothetically, for the purpose of this post...), my immediate response is to act out.  I will eat fried food, pout, stamp my foot, etc.  

In fact, If you called me and asked me to do something crazy while I'm in this state, I'd probably do it - if it's not too expensive or painful - no tattoos or shopping sprees.  (Tantrums have their limits before my common tendencies take back over.) 

This is a little scary for me, because it's new.  The oldest, "perfect" child persona isn't usually prone to temper tantrums designed to make people I love angry.  Usually I want affirmation.  So, to want to go be a punk and start tossing all of my usual self out the window is mortifying.  Now, I know I have an anger problem, and none of this is really new, but I've always been too busy (or attributed flare ups to stress) to realize that I have a seriously corrupt heart going on!  Plus, I'm realizing that it's actually rebellion against Matt as my authority.  If I willingly rebel against Matt, when I can see and touch him, what would I do against God?  Hmm.  Plus, I'm not perfect.  

While everyone else - possibly even my younger sister - already knew this, it's still kind of shocking for me.  I had myself pegged as practically perfect with some quirks.  

2.  I want my best interests over all else, and I don't really want to serve people.  I just want them to think I'm nice and like me.  This particular trait was demonstrated at a Christmas party white elephant exchange where I nearly sacrificed some friendships for a wallet.  Sigh.  No recovering there.  This issue was less surprising to me than the fact that I couldn't control it.  I was mortified.  (As was the poor hostess...)

3.  I have allowed disorganization and lack of discipline to prevent/ruin some pretty great relationships.  How?  

Well, thank you cards for one.  I immediately write a thank you card the moment I receive something.  Then, I set it aside until I find a stamp, or look up an address, or buy a thank you gift.  One particular thank you card was lost (twice) and mailed a year and a half late and I'm pretty sure the friend will never speak to me again (mainly because I told her repeatedly that I had a thank you card but couldn't find it - and she moved twice, so I had to ask for her address a ton and never got in in the mail until a few weeks ago.)

Our house is so crazy unorganized and generally messy, that we've not been entertaining new friends in our home for quite some time until recently.  God has given us the gift of hospitality, and our lack of discipline has squelched it.

All of these are issues keeping me from living like God wants me to.  All of these are slowly being dealt with.  Many of my friends have been on the receiving end of my issues.  I deeply apologize.

Here's what I would say to sum all of this up:

1.  I was addicted to Dr Pepper.  I prayed about it all the time, but I was an otherwise decent gal (I thought).

2.  I stopped drinking Dr Pepper as part of a fast.

3.  I began to spend more time just being quiet and still.

4. God answered many prayers as a result of the fast.

5.  Nearly 6.5 months later, God began to reveal other sins in my life.

Sabbath rests and fasting are HUGE tools God can use to really focus your prayer life and lend a new perspective to your situation before him.  

If you are constantly praying for something that is a stronghold, I'd recommend fasting from it for a time if at all possible.  

Satan is a master at distracting us from the real stuff.  

Here I have a self-centered, undisciplined, rebellious heart, and I've spent the last seven years praying for God to help me be disciplined with Dr Pepper.  It's definitely an issue, but it's not the only issue God wants to correct in my life, nor is it the biggest.  

It's just a straw-man argument, put in place by the enemy to keep me from serving God. 

 

Dr Pepper - Part 1

(This is part of item 5 on my 2011-2012 Resolving Life Posts)

I am was addicted. 

I especially love Sonic's Vanilla Dr Peppers with Extra Vanilla.  (Yes, it's capitalized like a title, because it is a title...the title of my most favorite drink ever! - A big shout out to Sarah S. for the introduction!)

I even had a neighbor once (Jen), who knew a Sonic manager in GA, and he mailed me some vanilla syrup!  Seriously.  (Sonic's is better than anywhere else.  Don't ever get vanilla syrup at McDonald's.  Just sayin'.)

Ok, so the addiction.  It is was real, people.  

I had gotten to the point where I would pray for God to help me be strong.  I'd also begun trying to sneak it in with my breakfast before Matt found out so I could also have it another time (or two.  or three.) during the day without being judged.  I did Weight Watchers in 2008, and I planned my daily points around my 8 oz. of Dr Pepper and splurged my extra points on refills.  Who does that?!?!?

Anyway, back in June last year - Father's Day, to be exact - there was an issue I was praying about.  I had prayed on and off for a LONG time (not sure how long, but at least 9 to 10 months, maybe more), and I just wasn't getting results.  I know God is sovereign over everything and He knows best, but really, by my calculations, there was no reason why the issue shouldn't have been in His will, and therefore answered favorably.

So anyway, I began bargaining.  Because that's what you do when you want your way with God.  You bargain.  Right?  How logical.

Moving on...I began bargaining.  I promised to pray about it every day (it was actually kind of a group of stuff, just to be clear, but one primary issue).  I even set my alarm to go off at the same time every day so I'd remember to pray.

I just didn't have a peace that God was going to go on and do His part in the situation, though, so I didn't feel like daily prayer was enough.  So...I made Him a deal.  (Are you laughing yet?  You TOTALLY should be!)

I told God I would give up Dr Pepper until he answered my prayer(s).  

(Please take a moment to reflect on the absurd things I posted at the beginning of this post.  This was a HUMONGOUS thing.  This was like the ULTIMATE sacrifice - daily - for me.)

In fact, I told God I wouldn't drink soda any more at all until things were resolved.  My only escape clause was if I had an awful stomach ache - then I would have Sprite or something - trust me...I have zero addiction to Sprite. 

At that moment, I'm pretty sure I heard an audible laugh (kind of annoyed, too) from heaven.  

Seriously?  God sacrificed Himself.  His Only Son.  By DYING.  On a CROSS.  For me.  

And to get my way, I'm graciously fasting from SODA?  I have had issues!  God basically said, "That's fine.  You give up your Dr Pepper and all, but does it ever occur to you that if that's your ultimate sacrifice then you have serious problems?  My Son died on a cross so you could give up your Dr Pepper for me?  Why is your FIRST thought in the morning how to get a Dr Pepper into your system without your husband noticing?  Why isn't it praising me or meditating on Scripture, or ANYTHING else?  You're messed up.  Thanks for the offer.  Go ahead.  But you have issues."

*Cough.  (Again, feel free to judge.  I understand.  And laugh.  But, if you know me, you also know that the giving up Dr Pepper thing, as ridiculous as it was, was QUITE ginormous.  FYI.)

Anyway, fast forward a few months.  

The primary issue I had been praying for (as well as several others) have been resolved favorably.  I'm still waiting to hear on the last few.

As far as Dr Pepper...even when all the prayers are finally answered, I'm not sure I'll want to step back into that minefield too quickly.  As dumb as it was, it held serious sway over my life.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you what I've learned since then.

Praise God! Emily's Spine is Perfect!

This is Little Bit's first passport photo.  Isn't she adorable?  Turns out, we had to take a new one at the passport place because of the wrinkles on the background sheet, but this will forever be her first "passport photo" in my mind.

Go on and take another second to ooo and ahhh.  I can wait.  I understand.  There.  Feel better? 

Alright, now for an update on our Little Miss.

Last week, we went in for her four month appointment and immunizations, and while examining her adorable toosh, the doctor glanced at the chart and said, "did we get an ultrasound on that?"

I'm sorry.  WHAT?  An ultrasound on her sweet little rump?  Whatever for?

"We didn't get an ultrasound?" (rising panic in his voice)  "How did I miss it?"

What did you miss?  What's wrong?

"These dimples"

(Alright, enough dialogue.)

Turns out, she has sacral cleft dimples.  She has a little forked "Y" coming up her lower back just above her tiny little glute-crack.  There are dimples on the top Y parts as well as on the stem of the Y.  They're perfectly normal in a lot of children, but sometimes, they can indicate spinal issues.  25 years ago, no one paid them any mind.  Then, doctors began seeing correlations, so now they double check just to be sure.

Our sweet doctor had just read an article the night before on the exact measurement to determine "cute-baby-dimples" vs. "look-into-the-cute-baby-dimples", and Emily definitely measured for an extra looksie.

Potential issues: spinal bifida, an attached spinal cord (it should be floating around.  If it's attached at the base, then it won't grow when she does.), etc.  The doctor explained that later on, she could have problems walking or going to the bathroom.

So...we do an ultrasound to check things out and go on from there.  No biggie.  Just a tad scary.

Except. 

Except for the fact that she's big enough now, her bones will make it difficult for an ultrasound to see the spinal cord.  We'll probably need an MRI, which could mean infant sedation (which sometimes has some...er...fun side effects.

He was hesitant to recommend an MRI on an infant (the sedation thing), and an X-Ray is too much radiation at her age, so he recommended a second opinion from a NEUROSURGEON.  Ahhh!  (Btw...yes, they do brain surgery stuff, but they also work with nerves, and since the spine is a very nerv-y place, they do that, too.)

Matt and I decided that while the situation could be quite a dramatic, scary change in our lives, we'd wait to start alerting all of our prayer-warrior friends (and freaking out ourselves) until we knew for sure we even needed an MRI and when it would be.  We told only a few people.  We just didn't have enough information to get everyone all up in arms and on their knees until we saw our second-opinion doc.

Well, that appointment was today at 8:30am.  The neurologist (who kind of reminded us of Matt's uncle, in a way) came in and said we definitely needed to look into the dimples, but Emily was small enough that an ultrasound might work.  He called over to the children's hospital and asked for an ultrasound STAT*.  They worked us in immediately, and baby girl slept beautifully just in time for us to do the ultrasound.  I had to take pictures, because it was her first ultrasound, and she just looked so incredibly cute sleeping there with goop all over her back.



It was cool to watch!  Her spine reminded me of dinosaur bones.

 She woke up and was a little disoriented (after all, her last ultrasound was from inside of me).  She quickly realized that there was a TV playing cartoons behind her, and she did the best tummy-time workout stretch EVER trying to see them.  I finally flipped her over so she could watch.  Here is her sleepy little face watching contentedly.


"Should I just watch cartoons?  Or...watch cartoons AND suck on my toes?  Hmm..."

The appointment was at 8:30am, and at 11:50am, the neurologist called to tell me Emily is totally fine.  Her spine is fine and normal and unattached, and we don't need to come back or have surgery. 

So, we are totally praising God right now.  Unfortunately, since we only told like 5 people and our Sunday School class, no one knows that Emily almost had spine issues, and they're all shocked when we share the happy news.  Whoops!  Either way, God is really good, and we want to share.  Now you know.

P.S.  I had a marvelous time coming up with euphemistic reference to her nether-regions. 

P.P.S.  *STAT - I had to look it up to see what it meant.  Why don't docs just say "ASAP" - I mean besides the fact that it takes much longer to say?  It comes from statim which means immediately in Latin.  Or, some people in English have adopted it to mean "Sooner Than Already There".  As a languages person, I'm going with the Latin explanation.

Pleased to meet you!

Welcome to my first-ever blog!  Wait...that's not true.  I had a Xanga account during college.  Now those were scattered thoughts of a random redhead!  Let me tell you...

Anyway, I thought it might be nice if I introduced myself for this first post.  You know, to ease you in gently.  The following is what I almost posted to my "About Me" profile, but there was a word count limit.  *sigh!  So, here is the un-edited version.

About Me:

I'm a newly minted momma of one (Emily).  I'm also a wife of one (Matt).  We are learning to do life together with Little Bit slowly but surely.

I am a great fan of Spanish.  In fact, I used to teach it.

I'm also a fan of middle schoolers (most of the time).  I used to teach them, too (when they would let me).

I love to count, but I can't do math very well, despite making it all the way through first semester Calculus in High School (what was I thinking?).  I'm really good at adding numbers through six.  Adding anything over three to a seven or eight is stressful to me, and I have to whip out my fingers and toes.  I think it's because I played Yahtzee and Monopoly and Parcheesi a lot with my grandma as a kid, and I got really amazing at doing "dice math".  Unfortunately, the average die does not go higher than six, hence my inability in this area.  (At least that's my theory.)

I have a cat named Gurgi.  He's kind of a punk.  We have a love/hate relationship.

If you're going to read much on this blog, you need to know that God has been amazingly faithful to us, and He's a pretty core part of our lives.  We've prayed lots of prayers, and He's done lots of answering.  He's definitely worthy of His role (God of the Universe, Creator, Father, Provider, Righteous Judge, Truth-Giver, Healer, Holy One, Friend, etc.), and I'm growing closer each day to being worthy of calling myself his daughter...well...occasionally the path forward is more like a slip and slide for me, but I'm more or less heading in the right direction.  When I don't, we have a "come to Jesus" (literally) meeting and things get back to the way they should be.

I'm a recovering junk food addict.  I fall off the wagon sometimes, but I've made great strides toward healthy living.  In fact, I ate my first-ever BLT two days ago!  It's not that it's an awful sandwich, but until recently, I definitely only liked the bacon.  Lettuce, tomato, and I were not friends.  Frankly, I still feel they steal bacon's glory by cramming their healthy selves into the sandwich spotlight.  Since meeting my husband, however, I've learned to enjoy a myriad of fruits, veggies, eggs, and sometimes beans (but only sometimes).

I like sleep, Dr. Pepper, fiction and chocolate.  I also occasionally crave broccoli, which is a minor miracle (see previous paragraph).

Oh, and I definitely know a lot less now than I did ten years ago. 


**Now for the part that provided a great surprise and delight for me:  The "Random Question" feature of the profile page!!!!

What was the best time you ever had licking stamps?

Oh my goodness!  I love this random question thing!!!  I am most definitely, without a doubt, addicted to licking stamps and/or envelopes.  Always have been.  When I was 5, my parents' friends gave me a box of envelopes for my birthday.  To this day, my mom, grandma, and husband (when he remembers) give me birthday cards in unsealed envelopes.  Now that's TRUE love!

So...best time licking stamps?  When my dad's business had to send out mailings a few times each year.  No wet sponge for me! 

P.S.  In case you've not followed this ramble to it's logical conclusion, one of the worst days of my life was when the stupid post office invented stupid sticky stamps that don't need licking.  Not cool USPS!  Not cool!


Alright.  That's a little bit of random trivia regarding moiself.  Most posts won't be me-centric (ideally), but rather a log of thoughts, experiences, and sometimes (but only sometimes) emotions through the scattered lens of a random redhead.